WEIGHING IN
Much of my life has been an ongoing struggle with weight and an unhealthy yet obsessive relationship with food. I'm confident my mother had no idea what to do with her overweight young girl, which began as a problem after I turned 5. I remember having issues with self-image and feeling like I was HUGE as early as age 7. I felt hungry all the time. It wasn't unusual for me to sneak cans of food out of the pantry and hide behind a neighbor's garage while eating out of the can.
Most of my lunches consisted of something like cottage cheese, an egg, and some crackers, while my brothers usually downed a couple of sandwiches along with chips. I felt it unfair that I couldn't have what they were eating, so that's most likely when I began sneak eating.
When I was approximately 13, our family doctor prescribed diet pills. I suspect they were the infamous "black mollies." I quickly lost weight, although I spent many sleepless nights. After six months, I was taken off the pills. What followed was a terrible period of depression.
As I look at pictures from my childhood, it's obvious I wasn't morbidly obese, but I was enough overweight to feel ugly. The rest of my family were of average weight and quite good-looking.
I've been watching This is Us for the past two seasons. The storyline revolves around a set of triplets, each with their issues. One of the triplets was adopted after the biological third baby of the triplets died at birth. An African American baby had recently been admitted to the hospital after being placed on the doorstep of the local Fire Department. The father thought replacing the dead baby with the baby that needed a home was good. This particular child went through life feeling different because his skin wasn't the same color as his parents or siblings. His way of coping with his feeling like an outsider was to excel academically and then professionally. Still, at the same time, he was filled with anxiety and exhibited obsessive-compulsive behavior. The other male became a famous actor yet felt ignored growing up. He coped by drinking and abusing pain medications.
The third sibling of the triplets is a female named Kate. Kate was overweight as a child, with her mother always struggling to control her daughter's eating habits while her father sabotaged the mother's efforts by taking her to get ice cream every day. She eventually grew up and now probably weighs close to 450 pounds.
I love this series because it accurately depicts addictions in their various forms. They also addressed the "addiction gene" and how it's passed through the generations. Our DNA has a very long memory.
Addiction is complicated, but overwhelming evidence indicates a maladaptive way of dealing with negative feelings, including anxiety and stress. Rather than learning healthy ways of expressing emotions, it's just easier to stuff oneself or drink/drug to oblivion. Some people replace these addictions with other dependencies that aren't as destructive. They might become obsessive about exercising for hours every day, or they might get addicted to attending group meetings, like AA. Or they might become anorexic. Sometimes doing a 180 is just as psychologically harmful.
Addiction is almost like being on a spectrum, with people experiencing it at different levels. There are the alcoholics that function well during the day but get drunk at night or wait until the weekend to get loaded. Some are entirely out of control, living under a bridge with a bottle of cheap whiskey in a paper bag, drinking until they pass out daily.
There are those addicted to pain pills that only take them at night and then those who swallow them so often that they sleep most of the time and talk gibberish when they are awake.
The ones with eating disorders "wear" their addiction. We can not hide our destructive behavior. Everyone who sees us knows what our problem is. Every time we look in the mirror, we're reminded of it. Besides, one must live to eat, so it's a temptation to overeat every time the first pang of hunger hits us. Some never feel any hunger pains because they are eating most of the time. Then there's the shame. Many of our social activities revolve around eating. When overweight people eat with friends or family, they are acutely aware that they are being judged by their weight and what they put in their mouths. They feel a combination of shame, resentment, and sometimes rebellion ("To hell with them, I'll eat what I want").
I've never weighed 450 pounds and rarely weighed over 200 at my heaviest, but I'm not any better than the person weighing 300, 400, or even 700 pounds. Usually, I vary about 40 pounds, taking two years to gain it and one year to lose it. You might wonder why I don't just keep off the weight. I wonder why, too, and vow each time to keep it off. I always feel like I've just dodged diabetes or a high blood pressure bullet. Yet, I want to be just like ordinary people and not have to worry about what I'm eating (that's when the rebelliousness kicks in). I'm still at my happiest, having a big plate of cheese enchiladas along with a bunch of tortilla chips and a margarita. And I'm most unhappy and remorseful after eating those enchiladas. Am I sorry for the margarita? Oh, hell, no.
An alcoholic doesn't have to drink to live. A drug addict doesn't have to pop pills, snort, or shoot up to live. But we do have to eat to live. You can try all the fad diets; you can have your stomach stapled, or filled with balloons, or have the majority of it cut off. You can go to Weight Watchers meetings or attend Overeaters Anonymous or go through years of psychotherapy. Still, you are confronted with the temptation to eat the wrong thing or overeat every minute of the day.
I feel your pain, Kate. Hang in there, sister; we'll get through this life together.
Most of my lunches consisted of something like cottage cheese, an egg, and some crackers, while my brothers usually downed a couple of sandwiches along with chips. I felt it unfair that I couldn't have what they were eating, so that's most likely when I began sneak eating.
When I was approximately 13, our family doctor prescribed diet pills. I suspect they were the infamous "black mollies." I quickly lost weight, although I spent many sleepless nights. After six months, I was taken off the pills. What followed was a terrible period of depression.
As I look at pictures from my childhood, it's obvious I wasn't morbidly obese, but I was enough overweight to feel ugly. The rest of my family were of average weight and quite good-looking.
I've been watching This is Us for the past two seasons. The storyline revolves around a set of triplets, each with their issues. One of the triplets was adopted after the biological third baby of the triplets died at birth. An African American baby had recently been admitted to the hospital after being placed on the doorstep of the local Fire Department. The father thought replacing the dead baby with the baby that needed a home was good. This particular child went through life feeling different because his skin wasn't the same color as his parents or siblings. His way of coping with his feeling like an outsider was to excel academically and then professionally. Still, at the same time, he was filled with anxiety and exhibited obsessive-compulsive behavior. The other male became a famous actor yet felt ignored growing up. He coped by drinking and abusing pain medications.
The third sibling of the triplets is a female named Kate. Kate was overweight as a child, with her mother always struggling to control her daughter's eating habits while her father sabotaged the mother's efforts by taking her to get ice cream every day. She eventually grew up and now probably weighs close to 450 pounds.
I love this series because it accurately depicts addictions in their various forms. They also addressed the "addiction gene" and how it's passed through the generations. Our DNA has a very long memory.
Addiction is complicated, but overwhelming evidence indicates a maladaptive way of dealing with negative feelings, including anxiety and stress. Rather than learning healthy ways of expressing emotions, it's just easier to stuff oneself or drink/drug to oblivion. Some people replace these addictions with other dependencies that aren't as destructive. They might become obsessive about exercising for hours every day, or they might get addicted to attending group meetings, like AA. Or they might become anorexic. Sometimes doing a 180 is just as psychologically harmful.
Addiction is almost like being on a spectrum, with people experiencing it at different levels. There are the alcoholics that function well during the day but get drunk at night or wait until the weekend to get loaded. Some are entirely out of control, living under a bridge with a bottle of cheap whiskey in a paper bag, drinking until they pass out daily.
There are those addicted to pain pills that only take them at night and then those who swallow them so often that they sleep most of the time and talk gibberish when they are awake.
The ones with eating disorders "wear" their addiction. We can not hide our destructive behavior. Everyone who sees us knows what our problem is. Every time we look in the mirror, we're reminded of it. Besides, one must live to eat, so it's a temptation to overeat every time the first pang of hunger hits us. Some never feel any hunger pains because they are eating most of the time. Then there's the shame. Many of our social activities revolve around eating. When overweight people eat with friends or family, they are acutely aware that they are being judged by their weight and what they put in their mouths. They feel a combination of shame, resentment, and sometimes rebellion ("To hell with them, I'll eat what I want").
I've never weighed 450 pounds and rarely weighed over 200 at my heaviest, but I'm not any better than the person weighing 300, 400, or even 700 pounds. Usually, I vary about 40 pounds, taking two years to gain it and one year to lose it. You might wonder why I don't just keep off the weight. I wonder why, too, and vow each time to keep it off. I always feel like I've just dodged diabetes or a high blood pressure bullet. Yet, I want to be just like ordinary people and not have to worry about what I'm eating (that's when the rebelliousness kicks in). I'm still at my happiest, having a big plate of cheese enchiladas along with a bunch of tortilla chips and a margarita. And I'm most unhappy and remorseful after eating those enchiladas. Am I sorry for the margarita? Oh, hell, no.
An alcoholic doesn't have to drink to live. A drug addict doesn't have to pop pills, snort, or shoot up to live. But we do have to eat to live. You can try all the fad diets; you can have your stomach stapled, or filled with balloons, or have the majority of it cut off. You can go to Weight Watchers meetings or attend Overeaters Anonymous or go through years of psychotherapy. Still, you are confronted with the temptation to eat the wrong thing or overeat every minute of the day.
I feel your pain, Kate. Hang in there, sister; we'll get through this life together.
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