REMEMBERING GARY

Gary's been gone from this world for almost 17 years now, yet the memory of him sometimes blows by like a puff of wind. Little things sometimes remind you of the people who once meant something to you.

I met him shortly after I had started living with Marcy's Dad, Jack, and long before we started a family. He and another friend of Jack's, Tommy, had been in Saudi Arabia for a year with a construction company. It was a 12-month assignment that paid them big bucks. Both had been in Vietnam, had no formal education, and had yet to get married. Gary had been a sniper in Vietnam and still carried that same courage and confidence with him everywhere. I suppose once you've been in a tree, precision shooting at Viet Cong coming at you from everywhere, nothing scares you anymore. Jack's friends were hard-driving, fast-talking young men. Their shared passion was motocross. Jack wasn't very good at it, but they were terrific. Gary and Tommy were invincible. My soft-spoken partner admired his friends 'in your face' manliness. Jack looked a bit like Clark Kent yet lacked Superman's courage or strength.

It wasn't long before Gary met a beautiful young woman named Kathy at a nightclub. They were soon coupled up. She introduced Tommy to her sister. It wasn't long before they fell in love, too. Jack and I were the first of the couples to get married. Within a year, all three couples were married. Ten years later, we would be the first of the group to divorce. Eventually, all of us became divorced.

In the happy years of our marriages, we raised our children together. We went on vacations together and spent most weekends at each other's houses. Looking back on that time, I realize that none of us were genuinely suited for our partners. My husband wasn't interested in being married, nor was he that interested in raising our child. I was madly in love with him and remembered feeling excited when he walked in the door after work, only to be met with a less-than-enthusiastic response. However, he would swear that he had always been 'desperately' in love with me. You get the message after this scene is repeated numerous times.

While beautiful, intelligent, and full of wit, Kathy always appeared disgusted by Gary. It was evident that she felt she had married beneath her. She was raised in an upper-class neighborhood and received a formal education. Her father was the Regional Director of the IRS. Her brother was a backup quarterback to Roger Staubach for the Dallas Cowboys and got fired after he landed a punch on Roger's jaw. He later became addicted to cocaine and ruined what could have been a successful career in the Canadian League. 

Tommy and his wife, Cozy, were similar to Jack and me. Tommy preferred to be free to ride his motorcycle and hang out with his friends. Cozy constantly berated him while demanding more attention. She never figured out that it always ends badly when you demand something from someone.

When couples divorce, it isn't easy to maintain your circle of couple friends. Divorces cause a lot of damage to friendships, and you usually lose all those friends. While I maintained infrequent contact with most of them, Jack remained close friends with the men. Gary and I also had a friendship that actually strengthened over the years. He and Kathy stayed married the longest, so I heard about her affair, his obsessiveness with 'catching her in the act,' and even his misguided attempts to include his children in their personal business. He was entirely broken by the end of his marriage and became somewhat vengeful toward her.

Gary remained Jack's best friend and became my best male friend. We played golf together and went on out-of-town golfing trips together. Neither of us had the slightest interest in becoming romantic. In fact, we'd usually introduce whoever we were dating to each other and spend hours talking about them. One of his ex-girlfriends remains a friend of mine today.

Gary might not have had a formal education, but he was intelligent and entrepreneurial. He made an excellent living at various jobs or as a private contractor. Gary had a lot of common sense and could read people very well. He never met a stranger.

His son joined the military and was serving on a nuclear submarine when he suddenly decided that the army was not for him and went AWOL. Gary was ashamed of his son for behaving this way and had difficulty maintaining a relationship with a son he no longer respected.

Gary became the Regional Manager for a tool company and moved about 200 miles away. I would visit occasionally, and when he came to the Dallas area, he would stay with either Jack or me. We talked several times a week.

He loved to tell jokes and play practical jokes. He instinctively knew what would annoy me. This would usually be a joke about Democrats or Liberals that would be demeaning in nature. I would ask him to refrain from this, but he persisted. One night, Gary called to tell me that he had just told a colleague about his great friendship with a divorced couple and how much he still enjoyed each of us. He proceeded with another joke about the Democrats. I became incensed and told him to never call me again as he was being disrespectful by continuing to tease me with something I didn't find funny. I could hear him laughing as I hung up the phone.

A couple of days went by. Jack called to ask if I had heard from Gary. I told him about our last conversation. He explained that he had been calling him for three days but never returned his calls and that his voicemail was full. He then called the local police. They found him dead in his house. He had died from a heart attack three days before they found him. He did not have a history of heart disease; at least, it was undiagnosed. I hope, like the dickens, that he didn't suffer.

I regretted our last conversation but am comforted that the last sound I heard from him was laughter. I located a beautiful church for his funeral and worked with his ex-wife to ensure the service went well. Jack and I gave the eulogy. It would be the last thing we ever did together.

Gary's assets and life insurance policy proceeds went to Kathy. He had never changed her as the beneficiary. Jack, an attorney and the Executor of the will, made it difficult for her to finally get the money, as he felt he was doing what Gary wanted. I'm not so sure about that. I believe he deeply loved her until his last breath. He kept hoping she would return to him. Maybe what he really died from was a broken heart.

Many times in the last 17 years, I wanted to call him and tell him about something that happened or reminisce about when we were young and raised our children together. He's missed out on so much. We would have played more rounds of golf. We would have shared more laughter, and maybe, I'd relax more about his teasing, knowing he was doing it on purpose to annoy me. I'm sure his children, in their mid to late 30s by now, have their own children. He would have made a terrific grandfather.

The memory of a good friendship never dies. Rest in peace, Gary.