REMEMBERING JACK: A TRAGIC LOVE STORY

Jack was the love of my life.  Sure, I've loved others, including two other 'Jacks,' but the depth of love I felt for him was unparalleled.

We met for lunch.  He wasn't a handsome man by any stretch of the imaginatshoneintelligence and wit came shining through.  I still wasn't convinced I wanted to see him for a 'real' first date.  He was very persistent and called me a few hours after our meeting.  He had arranged deep-sea fishing for us the following Saturday.  It was impressive that he arranged such an unusual first date.  I agreed to see him again.

He told me he was a recent widower, as his wife had died just a few months earlier.  When I expressed surprise that he was ready to date so quickly, he explained she had been battling cancer for ten years.  He felt he had been grieving for a long time. Yet, even a few months seemed like too short of a time to start dating again, and a red flag arose.  It was much later I learned she had died only three weeks earlier.

Our deep sea fishing date was a most unusual yet fabulous time wrestling with big game fish. Afterward, he made a point of going to his house, which was easily worth over a couple of million dollars.  His wealth was important to him, and he probably thought I might be impressed.  

After the fishing date, he asked me for a date the following weekend. He thought it might be another unique idea to go to the horseraces.  I've always loved watching horses mid-stride as they're running down the track. A person's character is often revealed when they are gambling.  It was so far, so good.

When we returned to my house, he was persistent in wanting to take the relationship further.  I wasn't comfortable continuing at that point because I felt he needed to date many women.  When people lose their spouses, they need time to grieve, alone, and date different people.  I instinctively knew that if we ever had a chance in the future, he needed to be sure I was someone he wanted to have as a partner.  It was just too soon for me, too.  I had just gotten out of a five-year relationship and needed time to recover.  Besides, I didn't want to get emotionally involved with this fresh widower only to be told a few months later that he regretted getting with someone so soon after his wife's death and that he should have been experiencing bachelorhood for a while.  In fact, I learned later that his sons gave him the exact same advice.  They felt he would be an extremely popular bachelor in Fort Lauderdale with his wealth.

After receiving his master's degree in biochemical engineering, he invented the regulator for infant incubators.  He worked for NASA for several years, making many tool inventions in zero gravity.  The invention making him money was a device that shut off equipment and worked with a monitor that would sound when too m orld wanted to buy this device.  His company made the devices and subsequentFactories all over the world wanted to buy this device. ly made him millions of dollars. He sold his company approximately 10 years before we met.

To my astonishment, he contacted me two weeks after our last date and asked to see me again.  He arrivemassive my howers and a huge smile on his face.  After dinner, he explained that he had taken my advice and met 8 women.  He further declared no one compared to me and that he was falling in love.  When I finally gathered my wits, I told him I did not share his feelings while flattered because I needed more time.  He told me he would give me time, but he wanted us to continue dating until I was also ready to make a commitment.

To say he swept me off my feet would be an understatement.  He wined and dined me at the best restaurants in South Florida.  We attended musicals, plays, opera, and symphony.  He invited me on a three-week Mediterranean cruise on a luxury ship a few months after we met.  He took me to Neiman's, where he bought me a beautiful formal gown and new swimming suits in preparation for the trip.  Our Neiman's shopping trip was highlighted by the actual fitting of the gown.  We were in a huge dressing room.  It was advised to wear spandex to get a better look.  I had never worn spandex.  Jack had never been aware of such a thing eiitem  As I struggled to put the thing on, he had to help me.  We were pulling with all our might...and hysterically laughing the whole time.  It's a miracle that I didn't wet myself.  We continued to laugh about that for a long time.  He told me once that walking through the mall with me was a romantic moment for him because he was so proud to have me by his side and felt so in love.  Sometimes, the little things stick and make the memory so mbeautifuler.

It was during that wonderful trip that I realized I loved this man.  I remember standing on our balcony together as the ship left the Montenegro harbor.  The sun was just setting over the mountains surrounding the town.  We soaked in the beautiful scenery as we kissed.  I was filled with a love I had never experienced until that moment.  

The cruise was memorable in itself for the many places we saw together.  We played a trivia game with other teams on the ship every night.  We always won.  I knew many of trs, but he knew every one of them. This man was brilliant, in addition to being charming and loving.

After dinner one night in Rome, we sat on the Spanish Steps under the stars and a full moon.  He sat one step below where I was sitting, leaned over, kissed me, and told me he would love me forever.  We would revisit that moment many times over the years. We always had the Spanish Steps.

I noticed he was a heavy drinker during our cruise.  It concerned me so much that I wondered if I could stay in a relationship with someone who drank too much.  After all, three of the five years I spent in the last relationship with Richard were spent watching him get drunk every night. Richard eventually started going to AA and has been sober for the past 12 years. I did not want to repeat this.  I asked Jack about his drinking during the trip.  He explained that he drank heavily when he was on vacation, so I let it pass...sort of.

I wasrealizedim when I came to the realization that he was a full-blown alcoholic.  After we returned from our trip, I met his five grown children.  I don't think I've ever met a family with every member of it so messed up. Every one of them was financially dependent on him.  The three grown sons were alcoholics, and theconstantly askedese.  They were constantly asking him for money, and he doled it out like Evita.  One of his daughters lived about 30 minutes from him and was probably the most mentally unstable.  She was also a mother to four unfortuna highlyys and was a wife to an extremely passive man.  One of her sons had leukemia, and she used his condition to extract even more money from Jack.  It waswas finallyy when this sweet boy finally was declared cured of leukemia.  This daughter made it a point to make my life a living hell.  She would tell her father that she was afraid I would get all his money and that there would be none left to put her sons through college.  I continued to work full-time.  Expressing her 'fears' to him was just another form of manipulation.  Jack had wanted me to retire early, but I knew it would never work to depend on someone else.  Besides, I doubted I would tolerate his drinking AND his daughter for long.

He convinced me to sell my house and move in with him.  I only agreed to this arrangement if he set boundaries for his daughter, like telling her not to show up at our house uninv12 hours at our house on weekends. She would talk non-stop to me, hour after hour, while he was hiding from her in his office. He told me his wife, her mother, really disliked having her at the house because of her intrusiveness and verbal diarrhea, yet they never limited her visits. As soon as she left and out of my earshot, she would tell him something I did or said that upset her. It would even enrage her if I stored a wooden box in a cabinet rather than keeping it on the counter. She had made it for her father many years ago.  He hated that box.

I also told him that his 45-year-old son, a drug addict and alcoholic, could not live with us. He agreed to my demands.  He was financially helpful in getting my house ready to sell and even provided the money at closing because I was upside down on the mortgage.  He let me completely remodel his house.  I havehighly that he was extremely generous even though I never asked for anything.  He loved me and wanted to show it in every way.

Most evenings were spent with his arm around me or holding hands as we sat on the balcony overlooking the Intracoastal and the Atlantic Ocean.  We would declare our love for each other every evening and remark howe were.  When we were facing each other, he would often look at me like sweet puppy with a huge smile on his face and a glint in his eyes...all while slightly moving his head from side to side.  Sometimes, we would look at each other without words being exchanged.  We didn't have to talk.  We knew.

We continued traveling, visiting my daughter in Seattle, my parents in Texas, and my relatives in Oklahoma.  We went to South America and to Antarctica.  We spent a few weeks traveling by train in Spain.  We loved every minute we spent together, laughing, loving, and talking about various subjects. We were our best when none of his children were around. He would tell me frequently that I was the greatest love of his life. I felt the same about him.

A relative of his raised Goldendoodles.  He bought a mini-Goldendoodle from her for me and named him Paddy.  He has been the most loving and sweetest dog I've ever had.  When I look at him, I'm reminded of Jack.  

After a brief separation and not long after he leased a new Lexus SUV for me, I told him I could no longer drive a car with the title in his name.  He offered to buy me any car I wanted other than a Bentley.  I chose a Prius, which I'm still driving 5 years later.  When I drive the car, I think of Jack.

Unusual activity started to occur around the house a few months after I moved in with him.  One night, we came home to find a note inside the house from his daughter indicating that she had been in the house.  My car keys were missing. The next day, the housekeeper reported that bowel movements had been left in two upstairs bathroom toilets.  A few days later, the cushions on our backyard furniture were missing.  I insisted that he change the locks and told him I figured his daughter was behind it.  He insisted that she would not do any of it.

My plan was to move after the first of the year. I started searching for places to live closer to the hospital where I worked.  Between his drinking and his crazy children, I had had enough.  I wanted peace in my life.

I feared his children would escalate their crazy behavior and even make an attempt on my life.  I wanted them to know that they would not harm me without me defending myself.  His alcoholic/drug addict, son, arrived for Thanksgiving from Connecticut, where he lived in Jack's former warehouse. My daughter flew in from Seattle. My daughter and I were outside talking to this particular son when he stated he had heard some mysterious things were happening recently.  I brazenly responded, "Yeah, I think someone is trying to run me off.  They might accomplish that.  However, if they try to hurt me, I have a gun and will defend myself."  He was shocked and asked my daughter if she owned a gun.  We both told him that we had been trained in self-defense.  He immediately ran to find his father and told him what I had said.  I surmised that he accused me of threatening him.  His sister soon arrived and became part of the drama.  The two siblings spent most of the day standing in corners of the house and whispering.  Jack stopped talking to me for two days.  On the morning of the second day, he announced that he was going to Paris 'to think.'  He kissed me and told me he loved me as he walked out the door.

My daughter and I found a condo before Jack boarded the plane heading for Paris.  Within 24 hours, I had all my belongings packed and moved out of the house.  He sent me an email stating that seeing the bright lights of Paris made him see the situation at home much clearer and that he would allow his children to come and go whenever they pleased.  He further indicated that I knew what I could do if I didn't like it.  I responded that I had already moved, and he could either buy my furniture or I would have it moved from the house.  He agreed to buy it for $10,000, which allowed me to purchase new furniture in my oceanside two-bedroom condo.  He also agreed to let me keep Paddy, although I wouldn't have given Paddy to him even if he had asked.

I started dating within a few weeks after our breakup.  On my first date, after a fun evening, my date kissed me.  I started crying. I didn't want to be kissed by anyone but Jack. I wanted Jack to defend me to his kids, stop drinking and beg for my return. The new reality was not what I truly wanted. The fantasy about how life could be with Jack was unattainable.  I had to face facts.

Jack continued to contact me periodically.  We would meet for lunch, and he'd want to know what it would take for us to get back together.  I would not agree to move back into his house with him, and he would not agree to set boundaries with his children. I never wanted to see his children again. But we both decided we still loved each other.  He shared with me at some point that he had been sleeping with as many women as he could to 'even the score' with me because he always felt jealous that I had many relationships throughout my adult life.  He also told me on many occasions that I was the greatest love of his life.  

About 9 months after we parted, he called to tell me that he had been diagnosed with lung cancer.  His particular form of cancer was nasty, with a prognosis of dying within 6 months.  He was accepted into a clinical study at Sloan Kettering and received a new drug that extended his life by a few years.  There were many side effects of the treatment that he endured, and eventually the tumors spread. He had planned to visit me after I moved to Texas last year but realized that he would not be making the trip a few months after I moved.  He wrote: "I had two great loves in my life.  My first love, my wife, was taken from me by cancer.  The second one, you, was taken from me because of my children.  I deeply regret what I let my children do to us."  A few weeks before his death, he wrote to me that the tumors had grown in his brain.  He was unable to eat, speak, swallow or hear.  He could not walk and could not take care of basic personal hygiene. He was confined to bed. He wrote that his only comfort was reliving the times we spent together...traveling, laughing, and loving.  The many pictures we took of our travels gave him tremendous pleasure.  His final message was, "I will always love you." I weep as I reread his last words and feel so fortunate to have experienced great love.

Not very long after he died, I was contacted by one of his former girlfriends, who he dated briefly a couple of years after we parted.  He had told me about her and said while he had dated lots of women after our breakup, no one compared to me or our relationship because we had a blast everywhere we went. One of his last cruises was with her.  It was a cruise he had originally asked me to go on, but I was in another relationship.  During the voyage, he contacted me to tell me he missed me.

I'm not sure to this day what her motivation for contacting me, but it has gradually become clear to me.  One other girlfriend of his requested to friend me on Facebook before he died.  I refused. Without my explanation or permission, she decided to post my picture on her timeline without comment.  My requests that she remove my image were ignored.

I was curious about the latest girlfriend contacting me, mainly since it was after his recent death, so I responded to her email.  She told me Jack would talk about 'my Dana,' but he also said I had threatened his children with a gun and that getting me out of his house took several weeks.  I can see where the perception was that I had threatened his children because it was the intent of my message, but they seemed to forget it was to defend myself if anyone tried to harm me.  But everyone has a tendency to spin reality.  Why in the heck did she feel the need to tell me this?  She sent me an email wanting to get together in Seattle, but I had already moved. She started following me on Facebook and noticed I had posted a comment on Michael Moore's page that I would be attending the matinee of his show on Broadway in August.  She sent me a note she booked tickets, too, and perhaps we could meet afterward to toast to Jack.  I declined both offers to get together and suggested she move on. I've had to block her in every way I can to stop the emails and messages, yet she continues to this day. This is the first time I've ever felt stalked.

Isn't it ironic it's no longer his kids, I fear, but one of the women he once dated?  I can just hear him laughing his ass off about my interactions with her over the past several months.  I'm sure he'd tell me she's crazy...kind of like his kids.  So...if Jack's children are crazy and two of his girlfriends are crazy, then Jack is probably crazy.  As my daughter pointed out, I have done some crazy things, too.  We all must be crazy to some degree.  Some more than others...

I need not puzzle over the situation with ex-girlfriends. Sometimes, you know something intellectually, but your emotions must catch up.  Knowing Jack, he would probably talk about our relationship at inappropriate times.  He'd probably talk about how we would banter back and forth and how delighted he was.  He'd probably talk about one of our trips or a situation we both found hysterical.  They got the message.  He never stopped loving me, and they couldn't figure out why they couldn't have the same thing with him. Their envy and curiosity drove them to seek me out in an attempt to discover what made him love me with his last breath. The last one had a need to destroy my memory of Jack to make sense of why he didn't love her in the same way.

Pride has its own twists and turns.

For a while, her intrusion into my life put a damper on my memory of our time together, but as I think about all the good times we shared, I realize that we had something special that never left us.  I believe he loved me until his last breath.

What was, what wasn't, what could have been and what never was...I still deeply loved him.

We'll always have the Spanish Steps.

Jack and Paddy