FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU!

As a trained psychotherapist, I was once reasonably accurate in detecting less-than-factual statements. I learned to read body language and immediately discern when the verbiage did not match the behavior. I was married to an attorney while working on a doctorate at the University of North Texas in organizational psychology. We had quite a few discussions about applying what I had learned to jury selection. One of my classmates, Phil McGraw, would later specialize in jury selection, meet Oprah Winfrey, and become rich and famous. He now drives a Bentley. I don’t. 

I’m a bit rusty now and maybe overconfident in skills learned long ago. It sometimes comes as a huge surprise when I discover I’ve been deceived. I usually react with anger when I have been “played” rather than being hurt or disappointed; I typically respond with anger…mostly because I was fooled. I pride myself in being authentic, sometimes too direct and honest, which I realize is probably not to many people’s taste. We want to move toward authenticity. When there is a discrepancy, it is commonly referred to as the “False Self” versus the “True Self.”  While we might be tempted to appear to be something we’re not, the false front is usually uncovered with a most unpleasant response by the deceived person.   Some people have perfected their false selves to such an extent that they might not even really know who they are inside.   Many people who are not in touch with their internal selves abuse alcohol, drugs, and/or food, which further delays integration into the “True Self” or toward authenticity.

There are common ways to detect someone lying to us, as the face and body show signs of stress. One method is that the person not telling the truth might cover their mouth. This gesture usually begins as a child and continues into adulthood. They might even disguise the covered mouth by faking a cough.

Another common sign of lying is the nose touch. The person might remove their hand from their mouth and quickly touch their nose. The person will relieve the itch with a simple scratch or rub if it's just an itchy nose.

Rubbing eyes is the brain’s way of blocking deceit, especially if the one who does it is the speaker. Men will rub vigorously, while women are usually gentler.

Sometimes when the speaker lies, they scratch the neck below the earlobe. Conversely, if the listener doubts or disagrees with what they hear, they scratch many areas of their bodies, such as the head, throat, chest, or abdomen.

Lying often causes tingling in the neck and facial tissues and requires scratching to relieve the tingling sensation, as discovered by Desmond Morris. Sweat will occur in the neck region when blood pressure increases. A reflex action sometimes occurs, and they will begin breathing heavily.

Some people will put a hand in their mouth when they feel pressure from not telling the truth. They may place their fingers in their mouth when they feel extreme stress.

In ordinary conversation, movements are flowing, natural, and comfortable. When you ask someone a question and their head suddenly shifts, they could be lying. Other people might stand very still while answering a question, mainly if their answer is not truthful. Conversely, they might be unable to stand still and continuously shuffle their feet as if they want to escape the situation.

Most of us know that when a person is lying, they will not maintain eye contact. However, some people are experts at lying and will coldly “stare us down” to manipulate, intimidate and control us.

There are exceptions to the above gestures for people trying to deceive us, so it’s essential to listen simultaneously to what they are saying.

I love the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”  Let’s not give those who seek to deceive a second chance!