GOING DOWN A RABBIT HOLE WITH A LIFELONG FRIEND

I recently had a long phone conversation with a close friend of six decades. We're both opinionated and on the opposite end of most subjects. We usually discuss safe topics, like how our children, grandchildren, and parents are faring, the weather, etc. Sometimes, it drifts to politics, but we tiptoe around it.

Maybe it's the aging process, but our conversation horrified me on many levels. It's hard to work my way back to our friendship when some of the things she told me were far removed from everything I hold dear.

We weren't but a few minutes into our conversation when she started loudly proclaiming that rather than take care of murderers for the rest of their lives, we should "take them out back and kill them." She kept repeating various versions of this without taking a breath. When I finally told her to "stop" and get back on track about her recent cruise, she admitted this particular train of thought had nothing to do with her "cruise from hell."

She and her husband have been friends with another couple for years. They made many trips together. On this particular trip, when everything seemed to go wrong (the food was terrible, and she never got to swim in the pristine waters of the Caribbean), she had enough of her chauvinistic "Mexican" friend and unloaded on him. Apparently, her feelings for him had been brewing for years. The seven-hour drive home seemed more like 24 hours, with no sound coming from anyone's mouth.

Shortly after her tales from the cruise, she started talking about how she hated the government. Her husband, who had a heart attack before the age of 50 and a stroke a few years later, has been on Social Security disability, Medicare, and Medicaid for years. Yet, she is angry about women who keep having babies to increase their "welfare checks." When I asked her how she formed this opinion, she recalled working with African-Americans in a free legal clinic years ago. As a secretary, she took the information and passed it along to an attorney. One woman with four children appeared before her. The woman wanted to increase child support payments for one of her children. The other three children were from different unknown fathers. My friend promptly suggested that she get sterilized. It was stunning to picture my lifelong friend smugly sitting there, wrapped up in her White privilege, and passing judgment on someone else while advising them to stop having children. After that workday was concluded, she went home to her three children. When I expressed astonishment at what she had done, she defended herself by saying, "I hope all those children turned out okay." I responded, "Have you ever thought maybe that woman loved her children? Isn't that more important than how much money they have?" I concluded by saying, "Who are you to judge someone else? Isn't that God's job?"

She returned to her opinion that we shouldn't use our tax money to incarcerate criminals. "We should immediately put them to death," she exclaimed. I asked about the commandment "Thou Shalt Not Kill," which she promptly dismissed. Our Governor just commuted the death sentence to life in prison for a man an hour before he was to be executed. The condemned man had murdered his brother and his mother. His father was wounded but survived. The father begged for his son's life because he was the only family member left. I suppose she felt that he should be executed anyway. However, I have to wonder, would she want her last living son put to death if she were in the same situation? And conversely, if someone murdered one of my loved ones, would I be against the death penalty? I'd probably want to inject the poison, but that doesn't mean killing is moral.

She discussed every possible taboo subject on our collision course about guns. She doesn't own a gun, but "the government better not take my gun away." She's against assault rifles or magazines that make rifles deadly. I believe that's one topic we might agree on, although deep inside, I know we would all be better off without guns. Unfortunately, our country crossed the line on that possibility many years ago.

Her final topic was abortion when I suggested we call it a night. She insisted on "going there" anyway. She strongly felt that abortion should be abolished. When I pointed out that 1 in 4 women have had an abortion and 3 out of 4 have considered it, she promptly asked about "those babies that didn't get to be born." I asked her about the babies born to mothers who didn't want them and/or were the result of incest or drug-addicted. And, if babies were so essential to be accepted, who would adopt them or have their tax money support them? I asked her if she was impregnated by a close relative and if she would want an abortion. "Yes, I would," she responded.

I then asked her if our government regulates women's bodies; what about forcing men to have vasectomies at an early age? Why shouldn't men be given the same treatment? Perhaps eggs and sperm should be frozen early, children could be sterilized, and when individuals want to have babies, the woman could have a fertilized egg implanted. Of course, we would also have to write into the law the age when children are sterilized and when a woman can get pregnant. "Could that law be enacted?" I asked. She was too stunned to answer and probably never realized I was dripping with satire. Was I, though?

She isn't "Pro-Life" if she would have an abortion under certain circumstances. Yet, she wants everyone else's options to be taken away by the government she hates so much. And if she thinks those convicted of murder should be taken out back and shot, she's not "Pro-Life." You don't get to choose who lives and dies and still call yourself "Pro-Life." 

Finally, I had enough. I have loved her like the sister I never had. I will go on loving her, but it's difficult when you know that deep down, our core values are vastly different. Other than our lifelong friendship and memories, I'm not sure we have anything in common, at least not the values I hold dear. There may be nuances and fluidity. There may be gray areas. There may be no absolutes. It's not always black and white.

I think of her sitting in the front row of the First Baptist Church, where she has been every Sunday for many years. I wonder what she's really learned in church and if she somehow missed that we're not to judge others. ("Judge not, lest ye be judged") I wonder if she has any idea that perhaps some wonder about her husband, who probably could do some labor, yet has been on "welfare" for all these years. How would she feel if someone confronted her about their tax money going to someone who could probably work? I wonder if she knows that most people on government subsistence are White and that women have not been allowed to receive assistance for more children in over 20 years.

I think I understand now why she was fired from several jobs. A passing thought is that perhaps she's entering into some dementia that has turned her heart cold. Yet, aging wouldn't explain her preaching to the young African-American woman with four children many years ago.

My resounding prayer for her is that someday she is open enough to realize that our purpose on earth is to love one another. It's that simple, but oh, so hard.

I'll forgive and go on loving her. I hope she can forgive me, too.