THE HARD WORK OF PARENTING

As we age, we look back on things that fill us with regret. We long for the days when our children were young. When we were busy parents, we weren't always the Norman Rockwell version of parenthood. Sometimes, we were tired or ill or impatient and didn't give our children the attention and love they needed when they needed it. We want to have a do-over for those times.

My daughter, Marcy, has her hands full with a demanding job and two young children. The four-year-old requires more direction than most children his age. Overstimulation, hunger, and fatigue can be a tremendous challenge for him and those in his proximity. His parents are conscientious in arranging the support systems he needs to navigate this world more effectively. He is a little boy full of love, joy, and happiness most of the time. There are times, though, when he could try even Mother Teresa.

We recently attended the Soap Box Derby in Marble Falls. Both children loved seeing the carts race down the hill for about five minutes, then they were ready to turn their attention to something else. My grandson wanted a second snow cone but was told he couldn't. Every parent knows what ensued. The phrase "temper tantrum" comes to mind, which most of us experience with our toddlers. Using techniques she was taught to deal with this behavior, my daughter calmly and wordlessly marched him back to the car, all while he was screaming, biting, twisting, and turning. As we passed by a woman sitting on a curb, she remarked, "That kid needs a spanking." I wanted to shout at her that she knew nothing about this child or what was best for him, but I decided I didn't need to add to the chaos.

The American Academy of Pediatrics determined that spanking children was detrimental to their growth over twenty years ago. In November 2018, they issued an even stronger statement, "Don't do it, ever." According to the AAP, the brain does not grow and develop when physical punishment occurs. Physical punishment creates toxic stress that will emerge as aggression and emotional problems when the child reaches preteen and teen years. Spanking might temporarily solve the problem, but it teaches the child that hitting is acceptable. AAP recommends time-outs of one minute per year for children aged two through five. They also suggest that children be given clear expectations for their behavior and consequences for failure to comply with guidelines. Time-outs and removal from an overstimulating situation have been very useful for my grandson. He might scream, twist and turn, but he gets through it eventually.

Marcy hurriedly put him in his car seat when we reached the car. My grandson continued screaming for a short time while my daughter silently cried. She was frustrated at his behavior and unhappy with herself for not calming him sooner. She later expressed regret for not being more patient with him and feeling negative about motherhood at that moment. After a good lunch, everyone had a good time playing and laughing in the pool.   

When Marcy was approximately six years old, I was rushing to work, and she was spending her sweet time getting ready for school. My mind was on the employee I would have to terminate that day – an employee I had given ample opportunity to improve his work habits. Still, I dreaded facing him and telling him he no longer had a job. As I was brushing her hair, she squirmed out of my reach. I quickly popped her once on her behind with the brush. Immediately, I felt terrible about what I had done. My day was filled with regret more for what I had done to her than for firing an employee. The employee knew what was expected of him yet chose to go in the opposite direction and deserved the consequences for his behavior. My daughter didn't deserve the punishment I meted out. I cried as I drove home from work. As soon as I picked her up from school, I told her how sorry I was and begged her forgiveness. I recently asked Marcy if she recalled that day. She responded, "I remember you crying and asking me to forgive you for spanking me, but I wondered what you were talking about because I didn't remember being spanked."

We don't have the luxury of do-overs, but what we can do is forgive ourselves. After all, there are no perfect parents in this world. Most of all, our children need unconditional love from a parent who is present, selfless, and as patient as humanly possible.

I've always found a nice glass of Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc after the kids go to bed helps to soothe my nerves after a trying day! 😎