THE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

I’ve been naïve in thinking I would devote myself to beginning a spiritual journey now that child-rearing and professional life are behind me.  When you’re razor-sharp focused, it doesn’t leave much room for other essential aspects of life. Besides, I was born analytical and a skeptic.  It’s difficult for me to get out of my head.

The naivety is the belief that the spiritual aspects of my life weren’t there all along. The spiritual aspects of my life were always there…just undeveloped.

At a young age, I rejected the teachings of the Southern Baptist church my parents belonged to.  There was a significant disconnect between what was taught or preached in church and what occurred at home.  In retrospect, the church’s perspective of an angry God with the threat of going to Hell if you didn’t follow Him just didn’t appeal to me much.  I couldn’t reconcile the Biblical passages that referred to God as love with a vengeful God that would punish us if we didn’t believe or with a parent who used the Bible to bully his children.

Alas, the time for blame has long passed.  I am now grown up and trying to wake up.

In fact, the image of God as a vengeful God terrified me that when I heard train whistles at night, I would imagine them as Gabriel’s trumpet.  I was sure that I was going to Hell for questioning the existence of it all.

As a young adult, I read about the teachings of the Buddha.  The Buddha spoke to me, but I never identified as a Buddhist. I didn’t understand then that it’s possible to believe in Jesus AND the Buddha, as their paths and teachings are very similar. And, I thought you had to be one thing or the other.  

Buddha lived over 500 years before Christ was born. While he didn’t directly refer to ‘God,’ he did make reference to a supreme being.  Richard Rohr, a Franciscan priest, has written and spoken on the similarities between both. “Everything belongs,” according to Father Richard. I find this comforting.  We are all One.

When my daughter was young, I ensured she was exposed to religion.  I wanted her to be introduced to it even though I struggled with Christianity and God.  I sent her to an Episcopal school and later to a Catholic school, where she graduated high school.  We were also members of the Episcopalian church. There was no Hell, fire, and brimstone preached at that church. This religion appealed to me because their perspective was of a loving God.

There have been times in my life when I felt the presence of God.  I was chronically ill as a young child due to a problem with my urinary tract system.  It was finally corrected through surgery when I was 12, but I spent a few years before that with debilitating and chronic infections, making me quite ill.  I remember seeing Jesus through the doorway of my bedroom one night.  The light emanating from his image was very comforting.  I don’t know if it was high fever causing hallucinations or his presence, but as I grow older, I’m willing to accept that he came to see this sickly, precious child and to give comfort.

I feel God's presence whenever I visit the mountains, whether in New Mexico, Colorado, Washington State, Alaska, or Hawaii.  When I hear the music of Bach or Beethoven, I feel God’s presence.  When I recall our song leader in the church where I grew up singing “How Great Thou Art,” I feel God’s presence.  I feel his presence when I pray or meditate, but I must admit those times aren’t often.

It felt like a gift from God when I held my child and each of my grandchildren for the first time.  And, as I reflect on those experiences, I realize that I was holding God, as He is all of us.

I recently attended a retreat with three friends organized by Richard Rohr’s Center for Action and Contemplation in Albuquerque. The time I spent with my friends, who are minded, was a complete joy. They are further along on this journey than I am, but their acceptance of me means everything.

I had heard and read Father Rohr’s CDs and essays for several years, so I was anxious to listen to him in person.  I like how he refers to Christ, the Buddha, the Sufi Muslims, Judaism, and other beliefs/religions as parallel in their teachings. This brilliant, funny, yet humble man is someone you want to listen to for hours.  However, he would not favor anyone viewing him as having all the answers.  He talks about growing up, waking up, and getting to where we see and feel God in everything and everyone.  While most of us are grown up, at least most of the time, waking up takes a conscious effort.  We must rid ourselves of all the brain noise and egocentricity that prevents us from experiencing God’s love.  It’s a simple concept, but oh, so hard to actually be open enough to let it happen.  And we fail or fall short so many times.  Meditation, contemplation, and praying are all ways to assist us in waking up.

Father Rohr referred to Carl Jung’s theory of our shadow.  While we all have darkness to our personalities/character, it’s essential that we not only acknowledge it (stop denying our failings and hold ourselves accountable) but that it’s integrated with our true essence. Our separate Self or False Self is how we define ourselves outside of love, our relationship, or divine union.  Our separateness is the problem. We’re very attached to it and do not want to let go of the image we’ve spent many years building.  To move beyond the False Self feels like dying.  In dying or losing the False Self, we transform into being a part of something much bigger.  It has no ego.  It’s not competitive nor sees itself as better than others. It’s a universal love that transcends ego and scorekeeping.  It would be wonderful to separate our ego from those who treat us poorly.  When that hurtful comment or treatment comes our way, we can just say that this person is coming from a place of pain that has nothing to do with us, and we can send them love, even if it’s not apparent that they accepted it.

“We are not as comfortable with talking about dying as master teachers like Jesus, the Buddha, St. Francis, the “Teresas” (Avila, Lisieux, and Calcutta), the “Johns” (the Evangelist, the Beloved Disciple, and John of the Cross), Hafiz, Kabir, and Rumi. They deeply knew that if you do not learn the art of dying and letting go early, you will hold onto your False Self far too long, until it kills you anyway,” as so beautifully stated by Father Rohr.

And just think how different the world would be if we all came from a place of love and equanimity.  No person, religion, country, state, race, or gender is better than the other.  We are all One.  We are all God.  We are one love.

Suffering is universal, as well.  And it’s through that shared suffering that we experience love on another level.  As Leonard Cohen once sang, “There’s a crack in everything.  That’s how the light gets in.”

Our purpose is to minister to the poor, the sick, children, and the elderly.  We can’t do this within the walls of a church, temple, or cathedral. The Christian religion seems to have wandered very far from the simple concept of universal love.

Do I completely understand all that I’ve heard and read?  No, I do not.  I’m still learning and trying to transcend that knowledge from my heart to how I interact with the world.  

This is a journey that holds its own rewards.