THE DRESS SHOP SALESWOMAN

It is one of those small-town dress boutiques much like the ones I loved when I was growing up in the Texas Panhandle.  This particular one is located in the Texas Hill Country and in a town even smaller than where I shopped as a young girl.

She was working by herself yesterday as I entered the store, looking for something appropriate to wear to an outside Memorial in Dallas next week for fallen police officers.  When I told her I just wanted to 'look around,' I was thankful she gave me lots of room to roam.

After going through all the racks in the store, I finally had to ask for help.  I told her where I was going and explained that being too dressy or casual was not an option.  Also, as learned from previous years, an outside ceremony held at noon can be pretty warm.

She suggested several great options while telling me her story, beginning with, "I've lost 60 pounds over the past year."  I had noticed she was skinny, so I asked if she had been ill.  She explained that her husband had left her last year after 40 years of what she thought was a happy marriage.  It was a shock to her, their friends, members of the church, and community members, particularly when he married within a few weeks after the divorce.  He is a financial planner in town, which she believes is why it takes so long to divide the assets.  At the same time, she feels he's using this as an excuse to stay connected to her through frequent phone calls.  It makes her almost feel like the 'other woman.'  She's probably right. The familiar has a tendency to drive us backward.

Like countless other men who leave their wives after many years of marriage, he left her for a woman 15 years younger with two teenage children.  When I asked her if she thought there were any other reasons he left, she answered that he felt she didn't appreciate him anymore.  It rang true to me, as I have heard quite a few men express dissatisfaction with their wives over the years because they felt unappreciated while not realizing that it's a two-way street.  I've also observed that long-lasting and successful relationships have been nurtured through the years by both parties.  Oh sure, no one has ever figured out how to make love stay, but relationships and the definition of love come in many different forms.  It's complex...both the beginning and end of love.

One could assume that men leave their wives for much younger women because of their ego or that they don't want to be reminded that they are aging when they look at their wives, but that has little to do with it.  A younger woman with children might see an older man as an opportunity to enhance their life economically.  He feels appreciated and needed while she fulfills her misguided dreams of being taken care of.  Unless love, friendship, and consistent nurturing form the basis of a relationship, doing it for any other reason is a slippery slope that gets repeated.

What concerned me about this particular woman is that she has no children and has built her life around her husband.  She had not pursued a formal education, nor had she developed any skills that would make it possible for independence.  Even if she had done those things, it wouldn't eliminate her pain.  It would make the transition economically easier.

She's now in her 60's and working at a job that might pay $10 per hour.  I'm sure her friends from church and the community have rallied around her.  She is an attractive, soft-spoken, and sweet soul.  Since it's been a year after the divorce, she's almost got her sea legs back.  Time does heal all things, but she's got a sharp learning curve ahead.  Starting a new life in your 60s is much different and harder than when you're much younger and life kicks you in the gut.

There's something devastating about how you imagined yourself in your 60s when you were in your 30s, then reality slapping you in the face when you got there.

I think about all the people who've had significant losses in their lives.  The ones who move on to something greater all say the same thing.  If it hadn't been for that particular tragic time in their life, they would have never experienced an even greater joy in life that circumstances forced on them.

That's what I hope for the woman in the dress shop.